'13 Reasons Why' is must-watch TV for parents of teenagers

Since the debut of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix, and now with plans for a second season, public officials and parents have expressed concerns that the series glamorizes suicide and may trigger vulnerable teens struggling with mental illness. Colleagues in the mental health field have spoken to me about patients struggling with the show’s content, and schools are seeing a rise in student self-harm.

But we should really be talking about the parents.

I agree with my colleagues that 13 Reasons Why is inappropriate for teenagers. Yet some of its lessons on parenting — or lack thereof — could prove valuable.

Adolescence is characterized by increased independence and identity formation. Coupled with an underdeveloped ability to reason and plan, adolescents often cannot anticipate the consequences of their actions, and they need continued supervision and support. Teenagers with minimal monitoring are more likely to have sex, abuse substances, and engage in other risky behavior, so it’s unsurprising that the teens in 13 Reasons Why suffer significant pain and hardship while unsupervised. Suicide is the third leading cause of adolescent deaths, and parents have a duty to identify the signs and symptoms to help guide distressed teens toward appropriate treatments.

Hannah, the protagonist of the show, takes her life and leaves behind 13 audiotapes that describe how peers and school officials failed her and were ultimately responsible for her suicide. Her parents are blindsided and spend the first season trying to decipher her motives. They had little insight into the serious struggles of their daughter, and via flashbacks, we see myriad misplaced sentiments and missed opportunities for discussion. For instance, on the night of a dance, they give her a car so she can drive friends they’ve never met to the party and fail to talk to her about drugs or sex. In another example, after Hannah loses a valuable cash deposit, her mother simply says, “It’s fine.” Hannah then goes to a party — again lacking in adult supervision — where she is raped. And yet, Hannah’s mother and father are the show’s most informed and communicative parents.

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Clay, an anxious teen and one of Hannah’s romantic interests, receives her tapes at the start of the show. It’s not until the last episode, by which point Clay has been forced to chug a beer, beaten, keyed someone’s car, and contemplated suicide, that he finally confides in his parents about the tapes. In the meantime, though they recognize his suffering, they do nothing but fill old anti-anxiety medications for him. Another of Hannah’s friends, Alex, has a father whose interactions with his son are robotic and militant. Throughout the series, Alex, like Clay, begins to mentally deteriorate, but unlike Clay, Alex has access to his father’s gun cabinet.

The other families are noticeably absent, traveling for work, replaced by maids, or distracted by drugs and domestic violence. When they appear, it’s too late to staunch the fear and violence that have shaped their children’s lives in their absence.

Parents in the show are rarely depicted addressing their teens’ behavior, like after Clay is confronted by the angry parent of a peer whose car he keyed. His parents simply make assumptions and table the issue. Parents must set limits for their children, educate them about how their behaviors affect others, and teach them to effectively manage their frustrations. The latter is especially important, as parents have a significant impact on teens’ successful emotional regulation and socialization.

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Cyber bullying is prevalent in the show, but parents are never portrayed scrolling through their teens’ texts or social media accounts, though unfiltered use of SM is linked to adolescent anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. Parents must be vigilant about their teens’ SM use and online presence, which includes familiarizing themselves with SM apps and friending their teens online.

Successfully parenting today’s teens requires close supervision, effective limit-setting and SM monitoring. Identifying symptoms of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicidal thoughts is imperative for early intervention and improved outcomes. But what is most important for parents — and lacking in 13 Reasons Why — is curiosity. Curiosity about teens’ friends, hobbies, homework or hairstyle choices. Parents too often dismiss their teens’ emotions as entitled, or their school-related struggles as trite, which leads to a feeling among teens that they are misunderstood and alone. But adolescence isn’t trite. High school experiences and the decisions made during those formative years shape teens’ mental and emotional development for life.

Last week, I talked with a young adult who told me his depression began in eighth grade, when he was bullied about his weight. 13 Reasons Why was fresh on my mind. I asked how the bullying has impacted his life. He looked at me quizzically, and finally replied that if someone had asked him then, he wouldn't be here now.

Mirjana Domakonda is a child psychiatrist at Columbia University and a Public Voices Fellow with The OpEd Project.Follow her on Twitter: @anakondamd

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